November 29, 2012
Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh; over the cliff we go, laughing all the way (ho, ho, ho …)
Having survived a year of fires, droughts, super storms, mass murders and political campaigns, the great Mayan Apocalypse, the annual War on Christmas and two days of snow storms that covered 65 percent of the continental United States this week, do you sissies in Washington really think we Americans can’t survive that Fiscal Cliff thing next week? Piffle! We’ve survived all that god, guns and greed could throw at us for another year. I say, “Fiscal Cliff? Piece of Cake!”
After all, we elected (or re-elected) you, based on the very best information super Pac money could buy. And we know, whatever you do, you’ll have our best interests at heart. Just like when you assured us that global warming was nothing but a hoax perpetrated by the UN to rope us Americans into that New World Order thing using Agenda 21 (or was it Al Gore trying to turn us all into cowering Socialists?) And peak oil is just those greedy oil companies trying to drive prices up and make a bunch more money because we’ve got a hundred more years of gas and oil – if we can find a way to pay for it. (Or was it those democrats trying to dismantle free market Capitalism and turn us all into poverty-stricken Communists?) And that it wasn’t greedy bankers taking untoward risks that collapsed the economy, but greedy poor people, aided by those socialistic democrats, wanting to buy houses they couldn’t afford and didn’t intend to pay the loans on anyway. (Or was it the republicans trying to turn our free market system into a Fascist Corporatocracy?) And that guns don’t kill people; people kill people – even though guns are, by far, the weapon of choice when people do kill people – and that even sensible steps to curb gun violence are just OneWorlder Fascist Democrat Socialist Republican Corporate Commies trying to take away my guns/make money off of violence/stop good guys from killing bad guys by killing them first (or something like that.) Well, anyway, we know – whoever they are – you wouldn’t let them do that to us because we’re your constituency and you care what we think.
So, of course, when we watched you work so hard to craft this fiscal cliff last year, we re-elected you, because we knew you were forced into it when the other side – whichever it was – just wasn’t willing to compromise, or negotiate, or whatever and you had no other choice but to make the best of a bad situation.
And even though you’ve had nearly a year to sit down and work something out, we understand that, in the heat of this political year with the other side so close to winning, it required nothing less that your full devotion to making sure you won and the other guy lost. And minor things, like the fiscal cliff, would just have to wait until the election was over.
We are grateful, you’ve finally decided to tackle it, though the timing does put us in a bit of a pickle – what with all our Christmas debt to pay off, those New Years Eve parties to go to and all the football games to watch on New Years Day. I guess we’ll just have to trust that whatever happens, you’ve got us covered. And if you decide it’s best for us to go on over that fiscal cliff, we’ll just wave our Stetsons, yell, “Yeeeehaw” and ride that puppy down like ole’ Slim Pickins rode the bomb in Dr. Strangelove. ‘Cause God bless America, you’re our guys right or wrong, and that’s the “A’Murican Way.”
Happy New Year everyone.